Flying & Singing

This morning as I pulled into the parking lot of my office the fog rising off the river called out to me. Typically, I rush into the office disregarding the fact that I'm 15 steps from the beautiful Illinois River. But this morning was different. Instead of feeling rushed, I felt drawn to the river. It seemed to have an almost spiritual quality-- cold, grey and foggy.

I walked over to the river, deep in thought and still in prayer (my ride to work is always a time of intense prayer for me... and sometimes it lasts until I step off the elevator into my office).

As I approached the river, I was surprised by the stillness of the moment. It was quiet and tranquil. A train whistle blew faintly somewhere in the distance. The muffled traffic crossing the near-by bridge provided a low and constant background sound. Most of the trees lining the river had long since surrendered their leaves and blew silently in the breeze. There were no boats on the river this morning, but it slowly marked its time regardless.

Standing there in the cool, crisp autumn air I felt a sense of calm and peace. I thanked God for the beauty of His creation-- and this setting in particular. I invited God, as I often do, to use this moment and this setting to teach me something. And in that moment I noticed something I hadn't noticed earlier.

Flying all around me was a flock of seagulls. There must have been 50 to 75 of them. They were circling the river high above my head. The gulls starting singing. I thought about how odd it is that we have seagulls here in Central Illinois. They no doubt come up on the barges from the Gulf (via the Mississippi) and for whatever reason stay here. Maybe they are lost, or maybe they lack the ability to migrate back on their own. I don't know for sure, but I do know they seem lost and out of place here... especially now that it has turned cold and winter is approaching.

But what I noticed, and what I think God was saying to me, was that even-though they are far away from home and maybe even lost-- they are flying and singing.

Flying and singing... exactly what gulls do. And these gulls were doing it, just as if they were on the sunny beach in California or Florida.

God has created me for my own flying and singing... but I often don't. Maybe it's because I feel lost... or far from home. Or maybe because I've had a bad day. Or maybe I'm just not awake yet. But I believe He wants me to let go of all my fears, anger, and hang-ups and fly and sing.

Father, thank you for the stillness of this morning. Thank you for showing me the contentment of the gulls. Father, I will fly and sing for you! Amen.

Trust 101

I guess God thinks I need a refresher in trust, because He sure is testing me right now. There is so much going on in my life, so many decisions-- both personal, professional and spiritual-- that the only way I can survive this period is to just surrender the whole thing and put my trust in Him.

Having said that, it's a minute-by-minute struggle for me. One minute I'm feeling great about leaving it all up to God, resting firm in His capable and caring arms. And then in the next minute, I'm feeling out of control and full of doubt that there might be one more thing I should still be doing on my end. I know it sounds silly, but I'm being honest.

I know what you're thinking... hurry up and learn the lesson idiot, and then get on with your life. I know, I know.

All I can say is I'm working on it, and TRUSTING that God will be patient and loving with me... just like He always has been before.

How about you? What 101 courses are you currently enrolled in?

Father, thank you for loving me enough to continue loving me! Thank you for helping me see that I really can trust you... always and with everything. Amen

Wounds

At our men's retreat (see blog titled "Ouch" dated Oct. 18th) we discussed the impact and wide-spread influence of wounds that were inflicted on us some time deep in our pasts. These wounds which have been inflicted on us by our parents, childhood bullies, or even old girlfriends have all had an influence on the kind of man we are today. And, how we have chosen to deal with those wounds (or not deal with them as the case may be) greatly impacts our daily walk with God and our relationships with our spouses, children and other friends and family.

We even did an exercise to explore what wounds we still have that we have not been able to properly heal. And then we thought about how those wounds were impacting us today. It was actually a very painful and difficult exercise. We also talked about how we might be anesthetizing our pain from these wounds-- and how that might be impacting our relationships. Again, a very difficult exercise.

One of the things I thought about is how deeply painful those wounds still are today. And how profoundly they have impacted my entire life. However, I think the greatest challenge for me came when we talked about how we as husbands and fathers have the responsibility and opportunity to protect our families from being wounded. Knowing the pain a wound can inflict on someone's entire life, we must take extreme care not to inflict any wounds on our spouse or children.

I think I failed at that this weekend. I did and said some things to my wife and children that were hurtful. The conversations probably needed to take place, but the way in which I chose to have those conversations was very hurtful and inflicted pain on the whole family. I don't know why this is such a weakness for me. I love my family so much... why would allow anything to hurt them-- especially myself? I am a perfectionist, and my expectations of others just is not reasonable. I won't go into any details-- because they're really insignificant-- but the issues stem from that. And I recognize that my issues with perfectionism actually have to do with some of my childhood wounds. Wow! This really is a major issue in our lives.

I would ask that all of you pray for me in my journey to better deal with my issues-- and more importantly, to be the kind of loving and nurturing father and husband that God has called me to be. I can't do it alone, but through my Father, I know I can do all things!

Father, forgive me. Thank you for your love that is so all encompassing and forgiving, Thank you for giving me such an amazing wife and such precious children-- they really are gifts from you. Please show me how to love my family with your love. Protect my family and let them see how much I do love them. Give me the courage to do the right things and to order my life to be in your will and not my own. Amen

Darkness

It happened so subtly that it took a couple of weeks for me to really notice.

Everyday, it has slowly been getting darker earlier and earlier. Minute by minute, the darkness has crept in. A little later for the sun to rise in the morning. Just a moment or two sooner the sun sets each night. Now, it seems it is never fully bright. It is dark when I leave home for work and dark when I leave work for home. It makes me tired. I feel as if I should be in bed rather than working, laughing or talking.

Perhaps I didn't notice at first because I was so enthralled with the beauty of autumn. Brilliant leaves in yellow, orange, red and gold. Or perhaps it was the dip in the temperatures that were distracting. I love the chill of autumn air-- and I gloated as I dug out all my turtlenecks, sweaters and sweatshirts.

But now, it is dark. Definitely dark.

Could this be how my life is? I find myself temporarily enamored with the beauty and allure of sin that I miss the fact that the light is gone. And then, without realizing that anything has happened, I find myself lost in the darkness.

Lord, send your light into my life now and always. Make your word a light unto my path. Let your spirit direct my heart. Let your light shine through me. Amen.

Wennie Roast

What could be more perfect on a beautiful autumn evening than a Weenie Roast.

An intimate circle of your dearest and closest friends huddled around the fire singing praise songs from memory because it's too dark to see your make-shift song books. Hot dogs roasted over a fire with Kevin's chile from Velvet Freeze, Debbie's world-famous 239 Beans (one more an they'd be 240--- read it with a Boston accent and maybe you'll get it!), Deanie's apples right off the tree from Tanner's Orchard and dipped in delicious carmel, Tom's home-made banana ice cream and our newest addition-- the Conway's roasted pepperoni-- you have to try it to know how awesome it really is! And of course, what weenie roast would be complete without S'mores?!? What a blast!

We had a wonderful time telling tall tales and laughing at ourselves. Kevin did his Monty Python routines and I was conned into doing my now infamous "Geri-Curl" routine (DON"T ASK!!!). The kids played hide and seek and just enjoyed being out in the cool, crisp air. The pyros all threw leaves and smaller sticks in the fire. It was a good time. Isn't it amazing that some of the simplest things in life are often the best?

I'm thinking we need to do these kinds of "old-fashioned" things more often. Just being with friends can make even the most ordinary event extraordinary!

Thank you Lord for Autumn. Thank you for great friends and simple things. Thank you for memories that will last forever. Amen.

OUCH!

Don't you just hate it when your toes get stepped on? You're sitting there innocently enough at a retreat enjoying good food and hanging out with the guys... and then all of the sudden the Spirit targets your heart and...

WHAMO! BAMO! BAFFO! OUCH! Those are my toes you're stepping on! That's my heart you just pierced! That's my ego you just wounded! That's my secret you just exposed to the world!

This weekend I attended a men's retreat with my church and my toes got stepped on... make that stomped on. The theme of the retreat was "The Warrior Within" and it dealt with the idea of what it means to be "a real man" in the eyes of Christ versus the world. We dealt with a number of men's issues, but there was a section in particular that really resonated with me and pierced my heart. It dealt with how I am choosing to either heal or anesthetize my "battle wounds"... and how those choices are impacting my relationships- in particular with my wife and children.

The statement was made that God has given us the woman in our life and as Christian men we are called to pursue her, fight for her and delight in her. The deep cry at the core of the heart of every little girls is "Am I Lovely? Will you love me... will you pursue me... will you delight in me... will you fight for me?" The statement was also made that we will make our wives more "beautiful" by how we treat them... am I treating my wife "beautifully" like the jewel that she is.

And that's where my toes got stomped... because I come up short there. The truth is I have not been treating my wife like the beautiful jewel she is. I have not pursued her, fought for her and delighted in her. Nor have I been relating correctly with my children. God has given me the opportunity to show them unconditional love and to give them a "wound-free" upbringing. I do not want to squander that opportunity for bestowing blessing on my children.

Thank you Lord for piercing my heart. Thank you for the beautiful jewel you have given to me for life. Restore our relationship and allow it to glorify you. Amen.

Being Used

Normally, being used is not a good thing. We've all been there before... you think things are one way, only to find out they're a completely different way and that somehow in the process, without you knowing it, you've been used. The other person benefitted, you at the least feel stupid-- at the worst look bad and maybe even feel bad. It's not a good feeling.

However, there is actually a good way of being used. I'm thinking specifically about being used by God. And unlike the above situation, I'm talking about being used both willingly and knowingly. With purpose, we can allow God to use us to accomplish his purposes in our lives, the lives of others and in His kingdom.

I've been struggling mightily with so many of the great challenges put on us at the recent Zoe Conference-- and from my reading of everyone else's blogs, its a universal struggle. The only sense I can make of it all is this: I have got to surrender myself and all my inadequacies to Him and allow Him to use me to accomplish all of these challenges. On my own, I can't even begin to think about taking on these challenges. But, with me and my pride and insufficiencies out of the way, I am confident God can do it through me-- even in spite of me.

And I think there's a lot of peace in that acknowledgment. Now granted, there's a whole other struggle in truly surrendering myself and getting out of God's way. But I'm working on it.

How about you?

Thank you Lord for your sovereignty. I empy myself for your purpose. Use me. Amen.

Back to Earth

Oh yes, back to the real world. It's ordinary, but nice.

One hundred and sixty-five e-mails were waiting for me when I logged back into life Monday morning. There were also two voice mails (not bad) and about a ten inch stack of mail. Oh well, it was worth it to be at Zoe.

My son had his next-to-the-last soccer game Monday night-- they won-- and my daughter's soccer season officially ended last night-- they lost. Of course we had to go to Panera Bread Company to celebrate and then to Dairy Queen (Reese's Blizzards). I often wonder what I'm doing right to be raising kids who actually pick Panera as their favorite restaurant!!!! My wife and I get private time to talk over our lattes and the kids play checkers or read in front of the fireplace... Thank you Lord!

Work is going OK... of course there is always a few bumps and unexpected turns, but that's why I say running an ad agency is like running a circus (I guess that makes me the ring master). Nothing really very new there, just business as usual-- which in most cases is a blessing!

Tonight at church we'll continue our Children's Musical rehearsals-- only eight short weeks left (YIKES!). The kids are so sweet and are really working hard. Tonight we will post the results of the auditions for solos and speaking parts. Hopefully there won't be any hurt feelings or disapointed tears.

Autumn is definitely here... we had to turn our heater on the moment we arrived home from Nashville. We actually had a fire (it's a gas log, so you can just turn it on and off) in the dining room fireplace while we ate dinner Monday night. The leaves are turning and my hostas are all dying. The circle of life continues.

So, all in all, the return to normal life has been OK. I've been trying hard to hold on to the major principals we learned at Zoe and to make them part of normal life. That's really the bottom line isn't it?

Father, thank you for mountain top experiences like the Zoe Conference. Help us to take those experiences and to integrate them into our normal every day lives. Father, we know you are that close every day. Your love is that real every day. Your grace is that amazing every day. Thank you for loving me and being present with me every day. Amen

Abundance

Well, I've just returned from the Zoe Conference and I feel a little like a glutton! I've often described the conference to people who have never been before by comparing it to a gigantic dessert buffet (think cruise ship). You have to be careful and just take a small sample of each dessert-- because if you take a full piece of each and every one, you'll be too full to enjoy yourself when you're done.

Well, I'm full. Maybe too full! Hopefully I'll be able to digest it all at some point in time... but right now I'm still licking the left-over whip cream from my lips and brushing off the crumbs from the corners of my mouth!

God is so rich isn't He? And when we seek Him so patiently and constantly like we did this weekend... it's almost more than we can handle. Almost.

I loved everything about the conference... It was great to finally meet some of my fellow bloggers (especially DG, TL and Clarissa). It's always good to get a hug from Brandon. And who can't be immediately transported to heaven when they hear Sheryl sing "Wayfaring Stranger"? I always treasure my time with Miss Judy Thomas, she is so wise, kind, gentle and caring. And this year, I was able to experience the conference with my new church family and with my Mom and Dad. Wow!

But the ultimate transforming experience came for me when I participated in the "Post Modern" worship experience on Saturday afternoon. It was truly amazing and life changing!

The setting was quite unusual... the room was dark, lit only by the many candelabras throughout the room. The music and the candles made the experience so warm and rich. The theme of the short message, shared accompanied by a beautifully soulful violin, was on the abundance of God's love for us. How God has called us to an abundant life and how He has so much to give to us, if we'll only open ourselves up to receiving it. Then, and this is the awesome part, we were invited to share in the FEAST that God had provided for us so abundantly. During the playing of this wonderful song, we were all invited to come up and receive from God's abundance-- it was a communion service. When I walked up to receive the bread, I was expecting to break off my typical pinch-- so I was surprised to see the gigantic loaf of bread from which a very large piece was torn from and then handed to me. I was experiencing-- with all my senses-- the true abundance of Christ. I wept uncontrollably-- part in celebration, part in mourning-- realizing that my view of Christ had been limited by my "crumb and sip" communion mentality. WOW! Then, they handed us these huge bottles of grape juice-- here drink until your full!! It was an amazing experience! Life-changing! And one that I will never forget.

Lord, thank you for your abundant love for me. Thank you for being a God of abundance--- in love, grace, mercy, peace. Continue to transform me. Take hold of my life. Amen.